


Aphantasia and Visualization Studies

by jabedalien



Category: Community (TV)
Genre: Aphantasia, Canon Autistic Character, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-10
Updated: 2021-02-10
Packaged: 2021-03-17 01:35:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,172
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29342181
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jabedalien/pseuds/jabedalien
Summary: “Abed, the one in your mind’s eye. Like the thing you see when you close your eyes.”“Well I’m just thinking about the idea of you. I don’t actually see your face when I close my eyes, Jeff. That’s absurd.”“What do you see then?”“I see the backs of my eyelids, don’t you?”
Relationships: Abed Nadir/Jeff Winger
Comments: 4
Kudos: 28





	Aphantasia and Visualization Studies

**Author's Note:**

> so this is really just me dealing with the fact i’ve learned about aphantasia like fifteen times and then last night i realized that other people can actually see with their mind’s eye and now i’m questioning literally everything

“Uh, what are you doing?” Jeff asks, walking into the living room to see Abed sitting cross-legged on the coffee table. 

“Britta told me to try meditating.” Abed replies, opening his eyes. “But I don’t think I like it. She told me to visualize a beach or a creek or something like that, but I kind of just feel weird.”

“What kind of weird?” Jeff asks. 

“Like— earlier today, she kept telling me to describe this creek I was seeing to her. But how am I supposed to describe it? It’s not a picture, it’s a _concept_ , you know?”

Jeff raises an eyebrow and sits down on the couch across from him. “I very much  _don’t_ .” 

“Well like I can’t describe the creek, cause there isn’t a creek to describe. So I was just thinking about different ways for creeks to be.”

“So when I ask you to imagine a creek, what do you think?”

“I think about those smooth rocks on the bottom of it, and how they’re usually slippery and kind of muddy. There are probably trees all around it. Maybe some tiny fish would live in it, or frogs.”

“Yeah but what’s the creek  _look_ like?” 

“That’s exactly what she asked me too.” Abed replies. “And that’s where I get lost.”

“Okay.” Jeff answers. “Let’s try with something else. Close your eyes and picture my face.”

Abed’s eyes shut and he nods. 

“What do I look like?”

“Well your hair’s about halfway between blonde and brunette, you have blue eyes.”

“Am I smiling?”

“How am I supposed to know that if my eyes are closed?” Abed asks. “I guess you  _could_ be smiling. You have nice teeth, and when you smile your eyes get kinda crinkly.”

“So the image of me that you had in your head wasn’t smiling before?” 

“That’s where you’re fucking confusing me, babe.” Abed sighs, rubbing his forehead. “I know what your smile looks like cause I’ve seen you smile a million times. But what  _image_?”

“Abed, the one in your mind’s eye. Like the thing you see when you close your eyes.”

“Well I’m just thinking about the  idea of you. I don’t _actually_ _see_ your face when I close my eyes, Jeff. That’s absurd.” 

“What do you see then?”

“I see the backs of my eyelids, don’t you?”

“No, I don’t.”

“Jeff are you serious?” Abed asks.

“What did you think people meant by your mind’s eye?”

“I thought it was a  saying .” Abed says. “That you aren’t supposed to take literally, like the other 95% of things neurotypical people say.”

“Well it’s... it’s sort of literal.” Jeff explains. “Like when I close my eyes and imagine your face, it’s like I can actually see your face.”

“It’s not the  concept of my face? Like you see something that isn’t just gray?”

“Yeah, I sort of just _see_ it.”

“Well that isn’t fair.” Abed mutters. “I want to be able to see your face when you aren’t around. Not to be mean, but I sort of wish you didn’t tell me this.”

“I’m sorry, Abed.” Jeff says. “I didn’t even know it was possible to be that way.”

“I didn’t know  _your_ way was possible.” 

“What I don’t get is how you’re such a creative person then. Like how do you direct movies if you can’t see the shot in your head? Or write if you can’t picture it?”

“I— I don’t totally  know. I guess I’m sort of just compiling different ways I could do it. Like it could be up close, or far away, and the actors could be standing or sitting or walking around. The background could be any number of places. So I keep thinking through all the possibilities, maybe sketch a few of them out a bit, and then just go with whatever seems best. Like I’m trying to capture a feeling, or some sort of abstraction that my brain thought up.”

“Huh. That’s actually pretty interesting.” Jeff says.

“Yeah, but it would definitely be  easier if I could see it in my head in full color.” Abed says. “I just can’t believe I’ve been missing out on that.”

“Well maybe it wouldn’t come out as good if you could just see it, right? Because then maybe you’d get stuck on that first idea you had, or frustrated when you filmed something and it didn’t match the image you had in your head for it. And instead you consider all the possibilities on a conceptual level first.”

“I guess that makes sense too.” Abed replies. “But it sort of sucks to know I don’t actually have an imagination.”

“Well I don’t think that’s true at all. You’re probably one of the most imaginative people I’ve ever met, I don’t think it’s possible that you’re lacking in that department. You just do it your way, and the things you make your way are plenty interesting to people like me.”

“Maybe.” Abed says quietly. “I guess I live enough in my own head anyway as is. If when I was sitting around recounting Inspector Spacetime episodes to myself I could actually _visualize_ them instead of just  _experiencing_ them while sitting in that void I thought everyone else had till five minutes ago, I’d probably tape my eyes closed and just do that forever.”

“Well then your head works just like it’s supposed to, right? It obviously hasn’t stopped you from doing anything before.”

“Yeah, I guess you’re right.” Abed says.

....

A few days later, Abed comes up to Jeff with his laptop in hand. “I looked up all that stuff we talked about. Apparently it’s called aphantasia, and like two percent of people have it. But I bet it’s  way more than that, cause even now that I know about it it’s hard for me to grasp cause I don’t know any other way.”

“That’s pretty interesting.” Jeff says.

“A lot of autistic people have it too, which I’m not all that surprised by.” Abed adds. “And people are all kinds of artists without ever even knowing they have it.”

“So are you still upset?” Jeff asks. “Because I feel really, really, bad for breaking that to you.”

“I don’t want you to feel bad, Jeff.” Abed answers with a small smile. “I already knew I thought differently from other people in another hundred ways, so this is just one more for that pile, which isn’t all that big of a deal in the long run. And I think you’re right that I make up for it somehow. Because I sort of  like thinking in the abstract. If everything was literal I’m not sure I’d have as much fun with it.”

“Well you always say you wouldn’t  _not_ want to be autistic, right? So maybe this is the same way, just a part of who you are fundamentally.”

“Yeah, I like the sound of that.” Abed says. “Just— picture my face for me every now and then, okay? And I’ll think about you my way.”

“Don’t worry, I already do.”

**Author's Note:**

> im androidbrittaperry on tumblr! feel free to come be my friend, especially if you also have aphantasia cause id love to talk more about it :)


End file.
